7 Ways Beer Would Improve The Olympics

This list is not the ways drinking beer would enhance viewing the olympics because we all know that alcohol always improves the joy of watching sports. No, what we’re going for here are ways the actual olympic events would be improved by incorporating beer.

I believe it’s safe to say the ratings would improve 1000 fold.

(Disclaimer: If you’re moronic enough to try any of these activities at home you probably deserve the coma/castration/brain death/incarceration that would result. Just FYI.)



How it would improve the game: After any goal is scored (or penalty kick is blocked) the victorious team must shotgun a beer. This would not only enhance the competition by giving the trailing opponent a chance to catch up via sobriety, but it would also improve the chances that the German woman’s soccer team might disrobe during a victory celebration.

Yes, the entire team posed for Playboy.


Why this might be a bad idea: All the fake injuries and dives might actually be real when a drunk athlete kicks you in the head/neck/groin with all of their inebriated strength.


Pole Vault:

How it would improve the game: Vaulters contort their bodies in some pretty wacky ways when attempting to clear the bar. Imagine how limber they’d be if they’d had a forty of malt liquor!


Why this might be a bad idea: the risk of being impaled is all too real, as can be seen in the attached video. Do not watch if you cherish your testicles.




High Dive:

How it would improve the game: Beer is liquid courage, be it the means to enable you to ask out the girl who is so completely out of your league that they make these couples seem reasonable: http://thechive.com/2010/04/19/love-my-ass-22-photos/

….or as a way to convince yourself that you’re indestructable. Let’s face it: most of us would literally pee ourselves to death if faced with a 10 meter dive, but with these olympians it’s no big deal. That’s why requiring divers to drink a sixer of barleywine would dial it up a little:



Why it might be a bad idea: I’ve done you the service of not linking to video of diving accidents because I wanted to spare you a lifetime of night terrors and psychiatric treatment.



How it would improve the game: Judo literally translates as “gentle way”, which is exactly what we DON’T want out of our martial arts. What we want is skull-crushing, femur-splintering, pelvis-exploding martial arts violence. Now, an unfortunate side-effect for some drinkers is a propensity for violence, therefore all Judo participants should pound a yard of Tactical Nuclear Penguin before hitting the mat. Then it’ll be like “The Raid: Redemption” without the gunplay.


Why it might be a bad idea: Did you watch the above trailer??



How it would improve the game: Bowling is MADE for beer. How many sports are played in what is essentially a bar that keeps score? In fact, I find it morally reprehensible that beer isn’t served during olympic bowling. If bowlers could drink it would be like this:



Why it might be a bad idea: It’s more likely it would turn out like this…



Synchronized Swimming

How it would improve the game: Beer and swimming almost inevitably lead to skinny dipping, just like eating lead paint as a child always leads to voting Republican. If our swimmers slammed a 6 pack of some girly beer (say, Coors Light) it’s altogether likely that these ladies would make this event get better ratings than the Super Bowl, The Academy Awards and a televised flogging of Dick Cheney combined.

The Brazilian synchronized swimming participants. Go team Brazil!


Why it might be a bad idea: Swimming and booze don’t always go too well together. Just ask Brian Jones.



How it would improve the game: Bow hunting and beer go back as far as the mesozoic period (citation needed), so it’s a proven fact that high-velocity weapons mix well with drunkenness. Archers would certainly up their game and move beyond boring old paper targets:


Why it might be a bad idea: