If Every Country On Earth Sent A Beer to the Olympics*

“You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer” – Frank Zappa

This brilliant quote was the catalyst for today’s post as it got me thinking: What countries make beer? Do all of them? What’s the best beer from each country? How would each country fare in direct competition with the rest of the globe? Is this post gonna require a shit-ton of research??

The answers to the above questions are: Most of them (hence the asterisk up there in the title), No, that’s totally debatable,  also debatable, and YES.

So here’s what I did:

1) First, I googled a list of every country on our little planet. Turns out, the definition of “country” can be a little fuzzy. For instance, there’s this little thing called “war” that complicates matters. Therefore, I listed all countries regardless of whether their existence is disputed. In this dreamworld, Israel and Palestine co-exist peacefully — see what beer can do?

People can be a little touchy about what you call their chunk of land…

2) Countries come and go and have name changes. So, if a particular beer was once brewed in The Democratic Peoples Republic of South Kerplakistan, I indeed list Kerplakistan as a country.

Every year they have a drawing to see who gets to name the country.

3) Some places are technically provinces or territories or protectorates or whatever…but if they make beer they sure as fuck make the list, regardless of whether they’ve ever competed in the Olympics.


I learned some pretty fascinating stuff while assembling this list, such as:

A) There are over 50 countries/territories that have no local beer production! …and some places have NO BEER OF ANY KIND!!! Here are a couple maps to help you plan where NOT TO EVER TAKE A VACATION!

I know you’ve been planning a trip to Libya, but they don’t have any breweries. Sorry.

As if you needed one more reason not to join the U.S. military.


B) Some countries make beer that honestly shocked me. Did you know there are breweries in Madagascar? Papua New Guinea? Pakistan?? Iraq??!?

C) The following countries/territories/typos do NOT brew their own beer, therefore according to Zappa’s law they are not real countries:

abkhazia, afghanistan, somoa, anguilla, ascension island, bahrain, bermuda, brunei, burkina faso, central african republic, comoros, curacao, djibouti, east timor, equatorial guinea, french guiana, gabon, gibralter, grenada, guam, guinea, iran, kiribati republic, kuwait, kyrgyz republic, libya, malawi, maldives, mauritania, mayotte island, micronesia, nogamo karabakh, nauru, niue, norfolk island, northern marianas, oman, palau, qatar, st maarten, solomon islands, somalia, somaliland, south ossetia, st helena, togo, tokelau, transdniestra, tuvalu, vatican city, western sahara, yemen

D) They make beer in Germany! True story!

E) In the “No Shit” department, Vatican City and Iran don’t have breweries!



For the sake of making things even more interesting, I referenced the Ratebeer.com website and chose the top rated beer of each country (except when images were unavailable, in which case I chose the next in line. The logic being if I can’t find even a photo on the internet it’s unlikely you’ll find that beer!). This means that not only will this list educate you in geography, but it’ll inform you which beers are among the best in the world. Besides, it’d be pretty boring if I listed stuff like Corona for Mexico, now wouldn’t it? Lastly, HUGE thanks to www.marcsbeercollection.com for many of these images.


But enough of my yakking — on to THE LIST. How would your country fare? (Hint: if your nation only brews one beer it’s probably safe to say you ain’t getting any medals…)


Albania: Korça Pils


Algeria: Mini BR


Andorra: Alpha Tipus Pilsener


Angola: Nova Cuca


Antigua and Barbuda: Wadadli



Argentina: Araucana


 Armenia: Kilikia Dark beer


Aruba: Balashi


Australia: Murrays Wild Thing Imperial Stout



Austria: Schloss Eggenberg Samichlaus Bier


Azerbaijan: Xirdalan


Bahamas: strong back stout


Bangladesh: Hunter


Barbados: Banks Beer



Belarus: Brestskoe Belovezhskoe Svetloe



Belgium: Westvleteren 12


Belize: Belikin


 Benin: la Béninoise


Bhutan: Red Panda Weissbier


Bolivia: El Inca Bi-Cervecina


Bosnia: Slavsko Tamno Pivo


Botswana: St. Louis Lager


Brazil: Colorado Índica


Bulgaria: Stolichno T’mno


Burundi: Primus Biere


Cambodia: Black Panther Stout


Cameroon: Beaufort


Canada: Dieu du Ciel Péché Mortel


Cape Verde Islands: Strela


Cayman Islands: CayBrew


Chad: Chari


Chile: Szot Strong Ale


China: Tsingtao Stout


Colombia: Costena


Congo: Tembo


 Cook Islands: Cooks Lager


Costa Rica: Imperial


Croatia: Tomislav Tamno Pivo


Cuba: Bucanero Fuerte


Cyprus: Leon


Czech Republic: Herold


 Denmark: Mikkeller


Dominica: Kubuli


Dominican Republic: Presidente


Ecuador: Club Premium


Egypt: Luxor Weizen


El Salvador: Caguama


England: Good King Henry


Eritrea: Asmara


Estonia: Viru



Ethiopia: Bedele


Faroe Islands: 1888 Triple Ram


Fiji: Gold


Finland: Koff Porter


France: Vielle Brune


 French Polynesia: Hinano


Gambia: Julbrew



Georgia: Kazbegi Hunter


Germany: Ayinger Celebrator Doppelbock


 Guernsey: Randalls Patois



Ghana: Gulder Lager


Greece: Septem Sunday’s Honey Golden Ale


Greenland: Greenland Easter Bock


Guadalupe: Gwada Gold



Guatemala: Cerveza Sol



Guyana: Banks



Haiti: Prestige Lager


Honduras: Cerveza Port Royal Export


Hong Kong: Hong Kong Beer


Hungary: Grabanc IPA


Iceland: Einstök Icelandic Toasted Porter


India: Haywards Black


Indonesia: Storm Beer Black Moon Iron Stout


Iraq: Farida Lager


Ireland: Porterhouse Celebration Stout Barrel Aged


Isle of Man: Okells Aile


Israel: Negev Porter Alon


Italy: Baladin Xyauyù Fumé


Ivory Coast: Mamba


 Jamaica: Jamaica Stout


Japan: Hitachino Nest Espresso Stout


Jersey: Mary Ann Special Cask


Jordan: Petra Beer


Kazakhstan: Tian-Shan Svetloe


Kenya: Sierra Amber


Kosovo: Birra Peja Pilsner


Laos: Beerlao Dark


Latvia: Aldaris Porteris


Lebanon: 961 Stout


Lesotho: Maluti Premium Lager


Liechtenstein: Liechtensteiner Brauhaus Weiza


Lithuania: Kurklių I.O. Boiko


Luxembourg: Simon Noël


 Macau: Macau Blonde Ale


Macedonia: Skopsko Svetlo Pivo


Madagascar: Star Three Horses Beer Pilsener


Malaysia: Danish Royal Stout


Mali: Flag Speciale


Malta: Farsons Lacto


Martinique: Bière Lorraine


Mauritius: Phoenix


Mexico: Cucapá Barley Wine (Centenario)


Moldova: Chisinau Aurie Originala


Monaco: Brasserie De Monaco Blonde


Mongolia: Chinggis Mongolian Lager


Montenegro: Nikšićko Tamno


Morocco: Casablanca (Casa Beer)


Mozambique: Laurentina Preta


Myanmar: Myanmar Lager



Namibia: Hansa Urbock


Nepal: Everest Premium Lager


Netherlands: De Molen Hel & Verdoemenis


New Caledonia: Number One


New Zealand: 8 Wired iStout


Nicaragua: Toña



Niger: Bière Niger


Nigeria: Gulder Lager


North Korea: Taedonggang 11P


Northern Ireland: Whitewater Belfast Lager


Norway: Mack Haakon


Pakistan: Murree’s


Palestine: Taybeh Beer Dark


Panama: Cerveza Panama Lager


Papua New Guinea: South Pacific Export Lager


Paraguay: Baviera


Peru: Pilsen Polar


Puerto Rico: India Lager



Philippines: Red Horse


Poland: Zywiec Jasne Pelne


Portugal: Sagres


Reunion: Bourbon


Romania: Ursus Premium


Russia: Stary Melnik Iz Bochonka Myagkoe


Rwanda: Mutzig


Samoa: Vailima


 San Marino: Amarcord La Putena


Sao Tome & Principe: Creola Export


Saudi Arabia: Bario (NON-ALCOHOLIC)


Scotland: Harviestoun Old Engine Oil Special Reserve


Senegal: Biere la Gazelle


Serbia: Niksicko Pivo


Seychelles: Seybrew


Sierra Leone: Star Lager


Singapore: Brewerkz


Slovakia: Saris 12% Premium


Slovenia: Union Pils


 South Africa: Castle Lager


Spain: San Miguel Especial


Sri Lanka: Lion Stout


St KittsSkol Lager


St Lucia: Piton


St Vincent & The Grenadines: Hairoun


Sudan: White Bull Lager


Suriname: Djogo Pilsener


Swaziland: Christies Gold Beer Shandy


Sweden: Zeunerts Werde


Switzerland: La Sierrvoise La Claire


Syria: Barada Beer


Taiwan: Taiwan Beer


Tajikistan: Sim-Sim Pivo


 Tanzania: Serengeti Lager


Thailand: Singha


Tibet: Lhasa Beer


Tonga: Ikale


Trinidad & Tobago: Carib Lager


Tunisia: Celtia


Turkey: Efes Pilsen


Turkmenistan: Biyat Zip 5 Klassiki


Turks and Caicos Islands: Turk’s Head beer


Uganda: Nile Gold Crystal Malt Lager


Ukraine: Obolon Premium


United Arab Emirates: Barbican Premium Malt (NON-ALCOHOLIC)


United States: Pliny The Elder


Uruguay: Norteña


Uzbekistan: Sarbast Original


Vanuatu: Tusker Lager


Venezuela: Polar


Viet Nam: Sabeco 333 Export


Virgin Islands: St. John Brewers Virgin Islands Island Hoppin IPA


Wales: Newmans Cave Bear Stout


Zambia: Mosi Lager


Zimbabwe: Zambezi


7 Ways Beer Would Improve The Olympics

This list is not the ways drinking beer would enhance viewing the olympics because we all know that alcohol always improves the joy of watching sports. No, what we’re going for here are ways the actual olympic events would be improved by incorporating beer.

I believe it’s safe to say the ratings would improve 1000 fold.

(Disclaimer: If you’re moronic enough to try any of these activities at home you probably deserve the coma/castration/brain death/incarceration that would result. Just FYI.)



How it would improve the game: After any goal is scored (or penalty kick is blocked) the victorious team must shotgun a beer. This would not only enhance the competition by giving the trailing opponent a chance to catch up via sobriety, but it would also improve the chances that the German woman’s soccer team might disrobe during a victory celebration.

Yes, the entire team posed for Playboy.


Why this might be a bad idea: All the fake injuries and dives might actually be real when a drunk athlete kicks you in the head/neck/groin with all of their inebriated strength.


Pole Vault:

How it would improve the game: Vaulters contort their bodies in some pretty wacky ways when attempting to clear the bar. Imagine how limber they’d be if they’d had a forty of malt liquor!


Why this might be a bad idea: the risk of being impaled is all too real, as can be seen in the attached video. Do not watch if you cherish your testicles.




High Dive:

How it would improve the game: Beer is liquid courage, be it the means to enable you to ask out the girl who is so completely out of your league that they make these couples seem reasonable: http://thechive.com/2010/04/19/love-my-ass-22-photos/

….or as a way to convince yourself that you’re indestructable. Let’s face it: most of us would literally pee ourselves to death if faced with a 10 meter dive, but with these olympians it’s no big deal. That’s why requiring divers to drink a sixer of barleywine would dial it up a little:



Why it might be a bad idea: I’ve done you the service of not linking to video of diving accidents because I wanted to spare you a lifetime of night terrors and psychiatric treatment.



How it would improve the game: Judo literally translates as “gentle way”, which is exactly what we DON’T want out of our martial arts. What we want is skull-crushing, femur-splintering, pelvis-exploding martial arts violence. Now, an unfortunate side-effect for some drinkers is a propensity for violence, therefore all Judo participants should pound a yard of Tactical Nuclear Penguin before hitting the mat. Then it’ll be like “The Raid: Redemption” without the gunplay.


Why it might be a bad idea: Did you watch the above trailer??



How it would improve the game: Bowling is MADE for beer. How many sports are played in what is essentially a bar that keeps score? In fact, I find it morally reprehensible that beer isn’t served during olympic bowling. If bowlers could drink it would be like this:



Why it might be a bad idea: It’s more likely it would turn out like this…



Synchronized Swimming

How it would improve the game: Beer and swimming almost inevitably lead to skinny dipping, just like eating lead paint as a child always leads to voting Republican. If our swimmers slammed a 6 pack of some girly beer (say, Coors Light) it’s altogether likely that these ladies would make this event get better ratings than the Super Bowl, The Academy Awards and a televised flogging of Dick Cheney combined.

The Brazilian synchronized swimming participants. Go team Brazil!


Why it might be a bad idea: Swimming and booze don’t always go too well together. Just ask Brian Jones.



How it would improve the game: Bow hunting and beer go back as far as the mesozoic period (citation needed), so it’s a proven fact that high-velocity weapons mix well with drunkenness. Archers would certainly up their game and move beyond boring old paper targets:


Why it might be a bad idea: