If Every Country On Earth Sent A Beer to the Olympics*

“You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer” – Frank Zappa

This brilliant quote was the catalyst for today’s post as it got me thinking: What countries make beer? Do all of them? What’s the best beer from each country? How would each country fare in direct competition with the rest of the globe? Is this post gonna require a shit-ton of research??

The answers to the above questions are: Most of them (hence the asterisk up there in the title), No, that’s totally debatable,  also debatable, and YES.

So here’s what I did:

1) First, I googled a list of every country on our little planet. Turns out, the definition of “country” can be a little fuzzy. For instance, there’s this little thing called “war” that complicates matters. Therefore, I listed all countries regardless of whether their existence is disputed. In this dreamworld, Israel and Palestine co-exist peacefully — see what beer can do?

People can be a little touchy about what you call their chunk of land…

2) Countries come and go and have name changes. So, if a particular beer was once brewed in The Democratic Peoples Republic of South Kerplakistan, I indeed list Kerplakistan as a country.

Every year they have a drawing to see who gets to name the country.

3) Some places are technically provinces or territories or protectorates or whatever…but if they make beer they sure as fuck make the list, regardless of whether they’ve ever competed in the Olympics.

 

I learned some pretty fascinating stuff while assembling this list, such as:

A) There are over 50 countries/territories that have no local beer production! …and some places have NO BEER OF ANY KIND!!! Here are a couple maps to help you plan where NOT TO EVER TAKE A VACATION!

I know you’ve been planning a trip to Libya, but they don’t have any breweries. Sorry.

As if you needed one more reason not to join the U.S. military.

 

B) Some countries make beer that honestly shocked me. Did you know there are breweries in Madagascar? Papua New Guinea? Pakistan?? Iraq??!?

C) The following countries/territories/typos do NOT brew their own beer, therefore according to Zappa’s law they are not real countries:

abkhazia, afghanistan, somoa, anguilla, ascension island, bahrain, bermuda, brunei, burkina faso, central african republic, comoros, curacao, djibouti, east timor, equatorial guinea, french guiana, gabon, gibralter, grenada, guam, guinea, iran, kiribati republic, kuwait, kyrgyz republic, libya, malawi, maldives, mauritania, mayotte island, micronesia, nogamo karabakh, nauru, niue, norfolk island, northern marianas, oman, palau, qatar, st maarten, solomon islands, somalia, somaliland, south ossetia, st helena, togo, tokelau, transdniestra, tuvalu, vatican city, western sahara, yemen

D) They make beer in Germany! True story!

E) In the “No Shit” department, Vatican City and Iran don’t have breweries!

 

also…

For the sake of making things even more interesting, I referenced the Ratebeer.com website and chose the top rated beer of each country (except when images were unavailable, in which case I chose the next in line. The logic being if I can’t find even a photo on the internet it’s unlikely you’ll find that beer!). This means that not only will this list educate you in geography, but it’ll inform you which beers are among the best in the world. Besides, it’d be pretty boring if I listed stuff like Corona for Mexico, now wouldn’t it? Lastly, HUGE thanks to www.marcsbeercollection.com for many of these images.

 

But enough of my yakking — on to THE LIST. How would your country fare? (Hint: if your nation only brews one beer it’s probably safe to say you ain’t getting any medals…)

 

Albania: Korça Pils

 

Algeria: Mini BR

 

Andorra: Alpha Tipus Pilsener

 

Angola: Nova Cuca

 

Antigua and Barbuda: Wadadli

 

 

Argentina: Araucana

 

 Armenia: Kilikia Dark beer

 

Aruba: Balashi

 

Australia: Murrays Wild Thing Imperial Stout

 

 

Austria: Schloss Eggenberg Samichlaus Bier

 

Azerbaijan: Xirdalan

 

Bahamas: strong back stout

 

Bangladesh: Hunter

 

Barbados: Banks Beer

 

 

Belarus: Brestskoe Belovezhskoe Svetloe

 

 

Belgium: Westvleteren 12

 

Belize: Belikin

 

 Benin: la Béninoise

 

Bhutan: Red Panda Weissbier

 

Bolivia: El Inca Bi-Cervecina

 

Bosnia: Slavsko Tamno Pivo

 

Botswana: St. Louis Lager

 

Brazil: Colorado Índica

 

Bulgaria: Stolichno T’mno

 

Burundi: Primus Biere

 

Cambodia: Black Panther Stout

 

Cameroon: Beaufort

 

Canada: Dieu du Ciel Péché Mortel

 

Cape Verde Islands: Strela

 

Cayman Islands: CayBrew

 

Chad: Chari

 

Chile: Szot Strong Ale

 

China: Tsingtao Stout

 

Colombia: Costena

 

Congo: Tembo

 

 Cook Islands: Cooks Lager

 

Costa Rica: Imperial

 

Croatia: Tomislav Tamno Pivo

 

Cuba: Bucanero Fuerte

 

Cyprus: Leon

 

Czech Republic: Herold

 

 Denmark: Mikkeller

 

Dominica: Kubuli

 

Dominican Republic: Presidente

 

Ecuador: Club Premium

 

Egypt: Luxor Weizen

 

El Salvador: Caguama

 

England: Good King Henry

 

Eritrea: Asmara

 

Estonia: Viru

 

 

Ethiopia: Bedele

 

Faroe Islands: 1888 Triple Ram

 

Fiji: Gold

 

Finland: Koff Porter

 

France: Vielle Brune

 

 French Polynesia: Hinano

 

Gambia: Julbrew

 

 

Georgia: Kazbegi Hunter

 

Germany: Ayinger Celebrator Doppelbock

 

 Guernsey: Randalls Patois

 

 

Ghana: Gulder Lager

 

Greece: Septem Sunday’s Honey Golden Ale

 

Greenland: Greenland Easter Bock

 

Guadalupe: Gwada Gold

 

 

Guatemala: Cerveza Sol

 

 

Guyana: Banks

 

 

Haiti: Prestige Lager

 

Honduras: Cerveza Port Royal Export

 

Hong Kong: Hong Kong Beer

 

Hungary: Grabanc IPA

 

Iceland: Einstök Icelandic Toasted Porter

 

India: Haywards Black

 

Indonesia: Storm Beer Black Moon Iron Stout

 

Iraq: Farida Lager

 

Ireland: Porterhouse Celebration Stout Barrel Aged

 

Isle of Man: Okells Aile

 

Israel: Negev Porter Alon

 

Italy: Baladin Xyauyù Fumé

 

Ivory Coast: Mamba

 

 Jamaica: Jamaica Stout

 

Japan: Hitachino Nest Espresso Stout

 

Jersey: Mary Ann Special Cask

 

Jordan: Petra Beer

 

Kazakhstan: Tian-Shan Svetloe

 

Kenya: Sierra Amber

 

Kosovo: Birra Peja Pilsner

 

Laos: Beerlao Dark

 

Latvia: Aldaris Porteris

 

Lebanon: 961 Stout

 

Lesotho: Maluti Premium Lager

 

Liechtenstein: Liechtensteiner Brauhaus Weiza

 

Lithuania: Kurklių I.O. Boiko

 

Luxembourg: Simon Noël

 

 Macau: Macau Blonde Ale

 

Macedonia: Skopsko Svetlo Pivo

 

Madagascar: Star Three Horses Beer Pilsener

 

Malaysia: Danish Royal Stout

 

Mali: Flag Speciale

 

Malta: Farsons Lacto

 

Martinique: Bière Lorraine

 

Mauritius: Phoenix

 

Mexico: Cucapá Barley Wine (Centenario)

 

Moldova: Chisinau Aurie Originala

 

Monaco: Brasserie De Monaco Blonde

 

Mongolia: Chinggis Mongolian Lager

 

Montenegro: Nikšićko Tamno

 

Morocco: Casablanca (Casa Beer)

 

Mozambique: Laurentina Preta

 

Myanmar: Myanmar Lager

 

 

Namibia: Hansa Urbock

 

Nepal: Everest Premium Lager

 

Netherlands: De Molen Hel & Verdoemenis

 

New Caledonia: Number One

 

New Zealand: 8 Wired iStout

 

Nicaragua: Toña

 

 

Niger: Bière Niger

 

Nigeria: Gulder Lager

 

North Korea: Taedonggang 11P

 

Northern Ireland: Whitewater Belfast Lager

 

Norway: Mack Haakon

 

Pakistan: Murree’s

 

Palestine: Taybeh Beer Dark

 

Panama: Cerveza Panama Lager

 

Papua New Guinea: South Pacific Export Lager

 

Paraguay: Baviera

 

Peru: Pilsen Polar

 

Puerto Rico: India Lager

 

 

Philippines: Red Horse

 

Poland: Zywiec Jasne Pelne

 

Portugal: Sagres

 

Reunion: Bourbon

 

Romania: Ursus Premium

 

Russia: Stary Melnik Iz Bochonka Myagkoe

 

Rwanda: Mutzig

 

Samoa: Vailima

 

 San Marino: Amarcord La Putena

 

Sao Tome & Principe: Creola Export

 

Saudi Arabia: Bario (NON-ALCOHOLIC)

 

Scotland: Harviestoun Old Engine Oil Special Reserve

 

Senegal: Biere la Gazelle

 

Serbia: Niksicko Pivo

 

Seychelles: Seybrew

 

Sierra Leone: Star Lager

 

Singapore: Brewerkz

 

Slovakia: Saris 12% Premium

 

Slovenia: Union Pils

 

 South Africa: Castle Lager

 

Spain: San Miguel Especial

 

Sri Lanka: Lion Stout

 

St KittsSkol Lager

 

St Lucia: Piton

 

St Vincent & The Grenadines: Hairoun

 

Sudan: White Bull Lager

 

Suriname: Djogo Pilsener

 

Swaziland: Christies Gold Beer Shandy

 

Sweden: Zeunerts Werde

 

Switzerland: La Sierrvoise La Claire

 

Syria: Barada Beer

 

Taiwan: Taiwan Beer

 

Tajikistan: Sim-Sim Pivo

 

 Tanzania: Serengeti Lager

 

Thailand: Singha

 

Tibet: Lhasa Beer

 

Tonga: Ikale

 

Trinidad & Tobago: Carib Lager

 

Tunisia: Celtia

 

Turkey: Efes Pilsen

 

Turkmenistan: Biyat Zip 5 Klassiki

 

Turks and Caicos Islands: Turk’s Head beer

 

Uganda: Nile Gold Crystal Malt Lager

 

Ukraine: Obolon Premium

 

United Arab Emirates: Barbican Premium Malt (NON-ALCOHOLIC)

 

United States: Pliny The Elder

 

Uruguay: Norteña

 

Uzbekistan: Sarbast Original

 

Vanuatu: Tusker Lager

 

Venezuela: Polar

 

Viet Nam: Sabeco 333 Export

 

Virgin Islands: St. John Brewers Virgin Islands Island Hoppin IPA

 

Wales: Newmans Cave Bear Stout

 

Zambia: Mosi Lager

 

Zimbabwe: Zambezi

 

7 Ways Beer Would Improve The Olympics

This list is not the ways drinking beer would enhance viewing the olympics because we all know that alcohol always improves the joy of watching sports. No, what we’re going for here are ways the actual olympic events would be improved by incorporating beer.

I believe it’s safe to say the ratings would improve 1000 fold.

(Disclaimer: If you’re moronic enough to try any of these activities at home you probably deserve the coma/castration/brain death/incarceration that would result. Just FYI.)

 

Soccer:

How it would improve the game: After any goal is scored (or penalty kick is blocked) the victorious team must shotgun a beer. This would not only enhance the competition by giving the trailing opponent a chance to catch up via sobriety, but it would also improve the chances that the German woman’s soccer team might disrobe during a victory celebration.

Yes, the entire team posed for Playboy.

 

Why this might be a bad idea: All the fake injuries and dives might actually be real when a drunk athlete kicks you in the head/neck/groin with all of their inebriated strength.

 

Pole Vault:

How it would improve the game: Vaulters contort their bodies in some pretty wacky ways when attempting to clear the bar. Imagine how limber they’d be if they’d had a forty of malt liquor!

 

Why this might be a bad idea: the risk of being impaled is all too real, as can be seen in the attached video. Do not watch if you cherish your testicles.

http://www.strangecosmos.com/content/item/181201.html

 

 

High Dive:

How it would improve the game: Beer is liquid courage, be it the means to enable you to ask out the girl who is so completely out of your league that they make these couples seem reasonable: http://thechive.com/2010/04/19/love-my-ass-22-photos/

….or as a way to convince yourself that you’re indestructable. Let’s face it: most of us would literally pee ourselves to death if faced with a 10 meter dive, but with these olympians it’s no big deal. That’s why requiring divers to drink a sixer of barleywine would dial it up a little:

 

 

Why it might be a bad idea: I’ve done you the service of not linking to video of diving accidents because I wanted to spare you a lifetime of night terrors and psychiatric treatment.

 

 Judo

How it would improve the game: Judo literally translates as “gentle way”, which is exactly what we DON’T want out of our martial arts. What we want is skull-crushing, femur-splintering, pelvis-exploding martial arts violence. Now, an unfortunate side-effect for some drinkers is a propensity for violence, therefore all Judo participants should pound a yard of Tactical Nuclear Penguin before hitting the mat. Then it’ll be like “The Raid: Redemption” without the gunplay.

 

Why it might be a bad idea: Did you watch the above trailer??

 

Bowling

How it would improve the game: Bowling is MADE for beer. How many sports are played in what is essentially a bar that keeps score? In fact, I find it morally reprehensible that beer isn’t served during olympic bowling. If bowlers could drink it would be like this:

 

 

Why it might be a bad idea: It’s more likely it would turn out like this…

 

 

Synchronized Swimming

How it would improve the game: Beer and swimming almost inevitably lead to skinny dipping, just like eating lead paint as a child always leads to voting Republican. If our swimmers slammed a 6 pack of some girly beer (say, Coors Light) it’s altogether likely that these ladies would make this event get better ratings than the Super Bowl, The Academy Awards and a televised flogging of Dick Cheney combined.

The Brazilian synchronized swimming participants. Go team Brazil!

 

Why it might be a bad idea: Swimming and booze don’t always go too well together. Just ask Brian Jones.

 

Archery

How it would improve the game: Bow hunting and beer go back as far as the mesozoic period (citation needed), so it’s a proven fact that high-velocity weapons mix well with drunkenness. Archers would certainly up their game and move beyond boring old paper targets:

 

Why it might be a bad idea: